Wednesday, 26 July 2017

It's a plot.

Almost three weeks on and I still haven't got my new bike.
    You'd think they would like to offload stock but nobody seems to be in the slightest bit concerned. I wish I could just go to another shop and get one from there, but the settlement of my finance on the first one they tried to steal and then destroy is contingent on my buying another there.

    If it isn't ready by Saturday I'm going to scream until I'm sick - and do it in the shop all over their brand new Harley Fat boy.

    So there!

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

I think I hate horses.

I (quite magnanimously I thought) reluctantly agreed to give my daughter's fiance a day off from the horses today and went up to clean the messy nags out with her. Just to show his gratitude the largest, and stupidest almost bit my nipple off.

    Laugh if you want but it really hurts.

    It looks like a love bite from a vampire.

    Not going up there again - not for all the tea in China.

Sunday, 23 July 2017

Gimme all your pepper!

Did you know that in the medieval days, (in England at any rate) pepper was so scarce that it was more valuable than money, and in fact substituted for money? The only reason that I bore you with this ephemera is that I'm broke, but I do have lots of pepper in the house. So presumably, if I steal all the pepper from every house in England, I'll be rich since I have four tubs of black gold in my kitchen.

    Two and a bit weeks on and I still haven't got my new motorbike. How long does it take to order an ECU? I could have crawled to Japan and back by now with it in my pocket. But I have three days off so I'm going to the motorbike shop tomorrow and demand a test drive of all their bikes just to annoy them into pulling their collective fingers out. Although I suspect they're pretty annoyed anyway since some people broke into the shop on Thursday and stole a motorbike. It was a supercharged Kawasaki with about a billion horse power and one of only about twenty in the known universe. £28,000 just for a bike!!!! My first house only cost £24,500- although that was a while ago admittedly.

    Alright, I done whining and getting back to my novel. Only about fifty pages to go, and I'm trying to make the ending clever, and funny, and brutal. I might be able to do all of those things usually but I've never tried to do all three together. 


Sunday, 16 July 2017

The curse of the panster.

As I may have mentioned, I'm writing a new novel. I'm also a panster, which means that usually/sometimes the books trundle along in vaguely the direction I'm shepherding them. That doesn't always happen of course and this time is one of them.

    Sods Law was supposed to be a parody. Some suggestive language and (hopefully) funny parts dotted along the way.

    Unfortunately, or fortunately, it's taking on a life of its own. Usually I love this because I don't mind the novel writing itself. But it looks as though, if I continue as is, then come the first edit, I'll have to remove all the comedic elements I wrote earlier. For the people who've read any of my earlier books they'll know that my (alleged) humour is highly juvenile, which is the way I like it. My wife always said I never grew up.

    But as usual I'm going with the flow. There's always time for childish humour in another book. If blood must flow then so be it.

    Perhaps there's a way of combining both. I'll look into that as well. 

    I love writing.

    I can't end a post without whining about something. Chrome keeps crashing. either I take a sledge hammer to my PC or find another browser. Which is better than Chrome?

Sunday, 9 July 2017

I did have something really different but...

I was going to write a long blog entry today on a subject dear to my heart, which is something of a difference for me. However:
    After spending hours yesterday mucking out the horses in a relatively temperate 30 degrees (that's centigrade) I finally finished about eight o'clock and then fell into my bed from where I didn't emerge until late this morning.

    Great, I thought, lots of tea, lots of computering and lots of blogging.

    Wrong. For reason I won't go into, but for anyone with daughters will be pretty much self explanatory, I have to go back to those four ungrateful little sods and do it all again. Oh, the joys of shovelling horse excrement under a blazing sky. And the horseflies. Almost as big as ME 109's but twice as nasty, they buzz around tearing pieces of flesh away that I'd rather keep. And even swearing at the little sods has no effect other than to annoy the the owner of the stables and amuse the horses who just swish their tails in delight.

    I wish I had a tail sometimes.

    I'd use it to flog those poo making machines into eating less, or at least do it in the same spot every day to make my work easier.

    No photo credits. I drew this after poo-picking a field for an entire day once. That time under six inches of snow.

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Us brits are a strange lot.

Just in case you're thinking that this is another of those weird net images, like the one of the dress last year that everyone thought was blue, or brown, and I thought was green, well it's not.

    In fact, even though it may look yellow, this is in reality, black. It's a famous London black cab.

    So, I hear you think, what colour would a really black, black cab be called.

    Well, black of course.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

I was warned but as usual I didn't listen.

Two months ago I bought a new(ish) scooter. I bought it on finance because after my daughter's horsey accident she hasn't been working and it's costing me about twenty thousand pounds per month to pay all her bills.
    It's a great scooter. And fast; really fast.

    Before I took it away I was warned that because it was so fast it was prone to be stolen. Apparently all the druggies like to take them because they know the police can't catch them.

    Nah, I said. Nah; it'll be alright. I've got a cable thick enough to secure a fuel tanker. And I was right, until last Thursday.

    Two lads with the worst invention available, cut through the cable with a portable angle grinder in about thirty seconds. A passing biker stopped their fun but ten minutes later returned only to find them smashing the steering lock. By that time a policeman had been called who very kindly wheeled it to a local police station.

    Great I thought, not stolen. I'd only have to buy a new ignition barrel. Today I find that they may have damaged the frame and if that's the case the insurance company will refuse to insure it anymore. And if that happens all the rest will probably follow suit unless I pay them a fortune. So I'll have a scooter I've only just begun to pay for which I won't be able to insure.

    Not a happy bunny tonight.